Letter to the future me

I've now busy with 4 paintings that I consider a key point in the next exhibition...They are "the dance of the humming-birds", "the cuco watch", "Lisboa, Lisboa"." and "Things I have never told you"...which I decide will be the title of the exhibition.

Why?


just because, sometimes, there are always things that we cant tell, things we would like to teel but feel afraid, or just hings we  dont feel like telling.Either ways, its a good title:)

While going through my old stuff( books, drawings,etc...that I made or wrote more than 2 years ago) I found an old letter.
This letter I wrote it in a key point in my life, after something that hurted me a lot, happened.It was about 2:30 am when I suddenly grabbed a pen, and started to write ( I prefer to write in the old fashion way:)

This letter was born out of insecurity of the future, out of dispair, loneliness, fear and...cry.

Now, after 2 years and when things have changed a lot (for good:) I would like to share it with you:


Its called ..............................."Letter to the future me"


The past is very present in my mind.

Not that I want it back,but its present in these difficult times.I dont know why it cames back, but it does in its most terrifying way,like if time doesn't exist as if everything is paralysed by that distance.

And here I am, feeling terribly alone, only with my past as company.Everything moves,everything shakes and the memories that I keep from past things,people, "ghosts"from other times, came back to live inside me, as if it is a box that cannot be open.
But I feel their presence, people who are not here anymore, others that belong to a far away past, but where everything gets blended into a new time.



I dont know what I think, nor even what I feel.I only know that through this experience, I live my own fear and desire at the same time. And when I feel, I react. And reacting makes me move that box inside of me.


This empty space that I know find inside me, it cant be filled with the past.Past, has already been gone, and doesnt exist , not even inside that box that only exists to give me confort, but it doesnt have a very defined roll. Its me who makes it and creates it, to feel past and future things.A line that combines the 3 of them: Past, Present and Future.And that is me. I live in each one of them, and they live in me.Past pushes me to the Present, and I live.

That box will never  have an ending, but it will never get off me.I want to place more people inside , more faces that are stucked between the 3 thin lines that define what they are.Today, I have placed 2 more faces there. And they shall remain there, because there's not  space for them in my  Present.


But the Past doesnt exist, and its only good to remin us of things that are not anymore.Past, brings together another "me"that I have known before and that I could feel and express.But that "me"does not exist anymore, and with him, the Past that falls, to give place to the Present.

That box is still kept in a place, but it doesnt exist.Only exists when I want it to, and when time goes by, fuilled with things blended with feelings, but they are not good for  me anymore.
Actually, Past is Future.I can turn around and live my future together with my Past. But its complicated and...what for? In the end that box will pass me by, as it always does , leaving  behind a trail of something that has happened ....and the Past will be me, but it doesnt exist..Do I exist...???


Even when I write these lines, and the sleep doesnt came, I feel loneliness very close, as an old friend that cames to drink with me.
I feel that loneliness and the silence outside makes me break in 2 my thoughts, and listening to what I feel.
I dont know what is that placem but everything tells me that I will end up to belong to another time, another place.



Im Bruno....And am I..???



I can be or not to be. I can see a shadow of pain outside the wiondow, and see that ione is me. And that Bruno is better than any Bruno that has ever lived, because with every second  that goes by, it will became better..

And better..


and better..

and better..
and better..




This I wrote 2 years ago.